The Price of being Free

Hint: The cost can be high, but the payoff is priceless.

Around ten years ago, I started questioning who I was. The questioning was met with an incredible amount of guilt because it led to me asking where I came from and where I would go after this life, automatically putting my religion in the spotlight of doubt. I didn’t realize this then, but I was internally divided between what I was taught and what I felt to be true. The years following this initial questioning were brutal for me. Something devastating happens when your mind, heart, and soul are not aligned. I call it a life lived in inauthenticity, and I don’t know of anything more disastrous to the individual soul than living a life that isn’t aligned with it’s most authentic self.

I wasn’t fully aware of the division inside me as the years passed. However, in hindsight, it manifested in my behavior as the next few years of my life consisted of an ever-flowing river of profound sadness. There was a void inside of me that I attempted to fill with quick fixes masked as “accomplishments” and “achievements.” At first glance, outwardly, I seemed to have it all together. And I liked to be seen that way because it was the societal expectation (especially within the religion I was raised in) to have a never-ending smile painted on my face.

Jordan Peterson said, “Whenever you attempt to distort reality, it has a way of snapping back… always”. And that’s precisely what happened to me, over and over again. I vacillated between lifestyles in search of who I really was. Each time the question “Who am I?” came into my mind, I would give it the only answer I knew: “I am a daughter of God.” Then, not knowing any other way, I would carry on, living a life divided because that answer didn’t completely resonate with me. I didn’t feel loved; I felt alone.

You can only live so much life when you have a battle being fought inside you. If you neglect it, you start to get really exhausted. And that’s what happened to me. Add exhaustion to sadness, and you end up awfully confused. The confusion hit hard in moments when I would look around me and see myself surrounded by exceptional humans who showed me so much love, yet I felt entirely alone. Growing up incredibly religious, I associated my sadness with lacking faith in God. “If only I could be more obedient or have more faith, I would be happy.” I gave my whole heart to my beliefs and how I was conditioned, but the happiness was always short-lived.

I’ve questioned my religion for many years now but, until recently, kept it to myself. There are a few reasons for this. One, I have been scared. Scared of being judged by those who don’t understand and expect different of me. Two, I didn’t want to be impulsive and reactive. I have tried to be conscious and compassionate with my thoughts and conclusions. However, this piece of writing isn’t specifically about my views on religion; I will save that for another day.

Jesus taught, “The truth will set you free.” He’s right.

But the thing is, everyone’s truth is different, and it isn’t right to assume that our truth should be someone else’s. It’s beautiful when you find a truth that resonates with you, but we must be careful not to fall into the trap of perspectival myopia. That is, believing that our truth is the only truth.

Our faith and hope should be grounded in what brings us closer to our most authentic selves, and to do this, we must become sober of all the things that pull us away from it. For me, it is removing myself from self-limiting narratives, suffocating conditioning, blame, energy drainers, excessive partying, and intolerant people. Instead, I’ve had to turn toward where I am loved and accepted just as I am and away from people and places who cultivate feelings of shame, unworthiness and destructive behavior. This takes an enormous amount of courage; it isn’t easy.

Ask yourself, “Am I living my true self? Or am I living a lie?” If you’re honest with yourself, you will feel the answer… you will know.

There is darkness in the tunnel of self-discovery. The light eventually comes, but inevitable darkness precedes it. Everyone who has walked this tunnel has felt this before they’ve undertaken the greatest journey of their lives. But the greatest journey has taken them to the reclamation of their true self and true power.

Remember, the evolution of the authentic self doesn’t have a timeline, so be patient with yourself. It’s never about anyone but you, and we need to take radical acceptance of it.

It took every courageous bone in my body to let go of the things that took me away from myself, and there are some days when I grieve the conditioning that once held me captive. To be honest, it’s still a process. It’s an extraordinary feeling. But the peace remains, and the void that once was is no more. I no longer feel alone because I have found myself, my truth. I have found love, and it was inside me all along. My hope is that we all find our truth and allow others to find theirs in their own way and time.

We have to go through a period of living asleep to wake up. We don’t know, what we don’t know. No one is to blame, not others or myself. I am grateful for the path I have taken to get to where I am now.

There is a price to pay for the prize of being free, but I promise you it’s worth everything.